How to write down your funeral wishes, and where to keep them

Why write them down

Nobody needs a plan for every hymn. What helps is knowing the big choices (burial or cremation, a religious service or not, big or small) and where the paperwork is. With that, your family can spend those first days together instead of debating what you'd have wanted.

The Federal Trade Commission's advice is simple: put your preferences in writing, give copies to family members and your attorney, keep a copy in a handy place, and tell your family where the documents are (FTC: Planning Your Own Funeral).

Why your will isn't the place

It seems like the natural spot, but the FTC advises against it: "Don't designate your preferences in your will, because a will often is not found or read until after the funeral." Keep your funeral wishes in a separate page your family can find quickly, and if you like, mention in the will that the page exists.

What to write down

Answer what you have opinions about, and leave the rest to your family. A line or two for each is plenty:

• Burial, cremation or something else, and where: a cemetery plot you own (and where the deed or paperwork is), a family plot, or where you'd like ashes kept or scattered
• The kind of gathering: a funeral, a memorial service later, a celebration of life, a graveside service, or nothing formal
• Faith and tradition: a place of worship, clergy you'd like to lead it, and any religious or cultural practices that matter to you
• The details you care about: music, readings, who you'd like to speak, flowers or charitable donations in lieu of flowers
• Who to tell, especially people your family might not think of: old friends, former coworkers, clubs and congregations
• Facts for an obituary, if you want one. Consider leaving out your full birth date and your mother's maiden name, since both are often used to verify identity.
• How you feel about cost. "Keep it simple" or "don't skimp on the food" gives your family permission they might not give themselves.
• Anything you don't want, said kindly

Then write down where the related papers are: a prepaid funeral contract, cemetery deed, military discharge papers, and any donor registration.

Organ, tissue and body donation

If you want to be an organ and tissue donor, register and tell your family. The federal site organdonor.gov says you can sign up online through your state registry or in person at your local motor vehicle office, and suggests telling your family about your decision so they can help carry out your wishes. Note in your wishes that you've registered.

Donating your whole body to a medical school or research program is a separate arrangement with that program. If that's your wish, contact the program to ask how it works, then write down which program and where the paperwork is.

Who you'd like to make the decisions

Each state's law sets an order for who has the right to make decisions about a person's burial or cremation. Some states also let you name someone yourself.

Missouri is one example. Its law calls this the "right of sepulcher," the right to choose and control burial, cremation or other final disposition. A person can give it to someone through a durable power of attorney that specifically grants that right. Without one, it generally passes in an order set by the statute, starting with a surviving spouse, then any surviving child, then a parent and then a sibling (Missouri Revised Statutes § 194.119). Other states have their own rules and forms.

If it matters to you who decides, for example if you'd like a close friend or one particular child to have the final say, ask an attorney in your state how to put that in writing properly. A note in your file can say what you want, but it may not be legally binding on its own.

If you've prepaid, or are thinking about it

Some people prepay part or all of their funeral. If you have, the most important thing is that your family knows: which funeral home, what's covered, and where the contract is. The FTC warns that if family members don't know about the plans, your wishes may not be carried out, and they may end up paying for the same arrangements twice.

If you're considering a prepaid plan, the FTC suggests asking questions like these before you sign:

• What happens to the money you've prepaid, and where is it held?
• Are you protected if the funeral home goes out of business?
• Can you cancel and get a full refund if you change your mind?
• What happens if you move, or die while away from home?

Prepaid funeral plans are governed by state law, and the FTC notes that protections vary widely from state to state. Your state's consumer protection office or attorney general can tell you what applies.

If you're a veteran

VA lets you apply in advance to find out whether you're eligible for burial in a VA national cemetery, which VA says can make planning easier for your family later. VA also offers burial and memorial benefits, such as headstones, markers and burial allowances. Your family will likely need your discharge papers, often a DD-214, so write down exactly where yours is.

What your family can ask a funeral home

It can help your family to know their rights before they make the calls. Under the FTC's Funeral Rule, funeral homes must give price information over the phone if asked and must provide a General Price List to keep. Families can buy only the arrangements they want, and can provide a casket or urn bought somewhere else. The FTC also notes that no state law requires routine embalming for every death, and no state or local law requires a casket for cremation.

A line in your wishes like "Please compare prices; I'd want you to" can make that easier for them.

Where to keep them, and who to tell

Keep your wishes where your family can get to them on a weekend. The FTC suggests not keeping them only in a safe-deposit box, since arrangements often have to be made quickly, sometimes on a weekend or holiday. A copy in your family file, a copy with the person you'd most expect to make the calls, and a note saying where the original is will cover it.

Then tell two people where your wishes are. You don't have to have a long talk about it. "My funeral wishes are in the blue folder in the desk" is enough. If it's your parents' wishes you're hoping to learn, our guide on how to talk to your parents has gentle ways to start.

Look at it again every few years, or after a move, a change in faith or a new grandchild. Wishes change, and that's fine.

This guide is general information, not legal, tax, investment or insurance advice. Written funeral wishes aren't a legal document, and laws on who decides, on prepaid plans and on donation differ by state. Check the linked official sources, and for decisions about your estate, talk with a licensed professional in your state. Last reviewed October 2026.